Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.