Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Covid like
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet