How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch