Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.