So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked