[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.