[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking