The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY