What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?