Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
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“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
All set.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.