“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
You Might Also Like
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Did I do this right
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.