I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
December birthdays be like…
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Planet of the Apps.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Basketball
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT