When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’