[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus