“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“i miss shittin on people”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.