I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Comparing yourself to others
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock