HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
life finds a way
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails