Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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