I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.