No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“How’s your day going?”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.