[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My birth announcement for our third baby
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian