Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
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[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
A huge thanks to the person that did this
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it