billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Bread puns are on the rise!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*