TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
💁🏻♂️
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.