With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You Might Also Like
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
called in thicc to work this morning
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
he chose this
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol