My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband