Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“you recording!?”