Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
That earthquake could have been an email.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.