doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You Might Also Like
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…