Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
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2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!