*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.