Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Pigeon open mic night.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from