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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
peeping toms
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions