How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
You Might Also Like
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.