Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You Might Also Like
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??