I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
They’re called werewolves.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Ugh
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable