[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*