I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
broke down and did it
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!