If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I really had high hopes for this year though
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /