My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets