Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Banking tips
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
This is my brand.