This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
the official breakfast of 2021
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”