What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.