Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.