the prophecy has been fulfilled
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN