fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology