i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*