You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)