If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar