If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.